Okay, here's a warning for an upcoming potential "cliff":
Sometimes they go away to college. And you drop them off there. You smile and are supportive.
Then you get back in your car to drive off and cry. (Sometimes you're just waving goodbye from your own driveway.) It is never the same after they leave home, but I promise it can be great.
I love this piece. One thought: kids who are "unburdened by parent who spills their messes on their children" aren't prepared to navigate "messes" with a girlfriend, spouse, boss, friend, or their own kids when they become parents. Your son is learning valuable lessons as you model how to handle the "messes". He's not blameless in the messes either. Life is messy for all of us, but as imperfect as we are, we do our best to help ourselves and our kids to get through it and mature in the process. You are laying a solid foundation for your son and the deep friendship that you will have with him when he's an adult. Keep up the good fight. The rewards will be amazing!
Sidenote: To support the cause, I just posted the link to this on Spoutible with a recommendation. Not a huge number of people over there yet, but every little bit helps.
If you don't make the mess, you have no chance to 1) model a deeply thought-out apology, fully owning your part, or 2) talk about how the housekeeping can be best done in future while you're still up to your knees in broken bits. Style of conflict resolution seems to be the crux of whether relationships nurture and grow us and are rock-solid, or are not, as is much, much more common. It's not like it's taught anywhere else. The new guardrails and strategies (especially the hunt for micro-windows) you just built will serve you well when your son begins to date.
So beautifully thought through. Thank you for writing it down. So sorry for the cliff.
Well done, you, for recognizing what went wrong and fixing it. It does feel like a cliff, falling into the zone of this person you love and have nurtured taking the lessons taught and growing away. It does leave you floundering, but it really means you have done a very good job of raising an independent, strong human. He'll need you now and then for advice and comfort, but it's a different dynamic.
As someone who lacked parents willing to admit any wrongdoing, let alone apologise for the deep fuckeries they put me through, I can only say I am beyond thrilled for your son that you are his dad. And for his future partner/s or co-parent, as he will likely model similar awesome parenting behaviours! Good on ya for breaking the vicious cycle.
I was a coward and stayed childless (mostly for other reasons like climate change and preferring fur babies over acrual ones) - but fearing I’d screw them up by behaving like my parents was definitely a big part in that decision. Thanks for sharing! You should write a parenting manual for single dads. Seriously.
Every kid deserves a parent like you, but few get one. You’re navigating this landscape better than most, because you care so much. Your love for him bursts from every word. Way to go, Hoarse.
Stay strong, man. It's hard on both sides. When I was a teenager and into my twenties, my mom and I DID NOT have a good relationship. Now that I'm in my thirties, it's gotten better. Some days we are close, some days are tough. But she knows that I love her. For my brother and sister, it didn't take as long as it did me to build any kind of relationship with her. But i'll tell you something, you are way more ahead than mom and I ever could be. You are stepping up now and showing him love and giving him your full attention even if it's in small doses due to limited time. You are a good dad, my friend and he sees that every time you make any effort to be with him. And he's always going to not only remember that, but cherish it always.
Well done. Reminds me of a fight I had with my step daughter. Went toe to toe then I stopped and said something like “why are we fighting?” She and I laughed it off. When her dad died, she told me how much I mean to her- more than her mom- because I stood with her through his illness and death. She knew finally it was all about love.
Beautifully written. You are preparing him well for the real world. Those coming storms in the mountains will be easier for him to ride out because of his upbringing.
Congratulations! You're human! And so is your son!
The roadmap for any solid relationship is outlined in what you wrote. Feelings can be complicated, and as humans, we tend to respond poorly in the heat of the moment. The important thing is the commitment to resolving conflict in ways that support the relationship and its foundation. You both did that, which is refreshing, frankly!
Familiar pattern, beautifully described. With me and mine, there was a cliff. Even after we regrouped and discussed, others involved created more distance (both physical and emotional) than I wanted-- and more, I think, than mine was really comfortable with. It took several years, but circumatances changed. We rebuilt our relationship and it is better in many ways than it was even bofore the cliff. The important things are to keep on living, keep on loving, keep on being available, keep the doors to your life and your heart open, be proud of their progress and of your own, and as you said so well, own and admit your own struggles.
Buckle up! I was very close with my son during his high school and undergrad years but when he moved to CA to attend Berkeley for grad school it was the beginning of the end. At first, we visited back and forth and took vacations to various locales; hiked the Grand Canyon, tried to see baseball games at multiple different stadiums, etc. But eventually he found a wife who is a SoCal native and before long he became less and less available. When we talked on the phone, inevitably his wife would need something that would cause the call end; when I broached the subject of visiting, often he would tell me he was tied up with work or had already planned a trip to SoCal to see his wife's family. And when he did make it back to New Jersey, he would need to split his time between me and his father who lived nearby and his family's desire to spend time in the City. Often, he would be here 4 or 5 days and at best we would have a meal at a restaurant and maybe a half hour to talk. Soon the phone calls became less frequent and finally four years passed before we even saw each other.
Just hope your son doesn't move far away as you will experience an emptiness that is hard to adjust to.
Okay, here's a warning for an upcoming potential "cliff":
Sometimes they go away to college. And you drop them off there. You smile and are supportive.
Then you get back in your car to drive off and cry. (Sometimes you're just waving goodbye from your own driveway.) It is never the same after they leave home, but I promise it can be great.
I love this piece. One thought: kids who are "unburdened by parent who spills their messes on their children" aren't prepared to navigate "messes" with a girlfriend, spouse, boss, friend, or their own kids when they become parents. Your son is learning valuable lessons as you model how to handle the "messes". He's not blameless in the messes either. Life is messy for all of us, but as imperfect as we are, we do our best to help ourselves and our kids to get through it and mature in the process. You are laying a solid foundation for your son and the deep friendship that you will have with him when he's an adult. Keep up the good fight. The rewards will be amazing!
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏Bravissimo
Sidenote: To support the cause, I just posted the link to this on Spoutible with a recommendation. Not a huge number of people over there yet, but every little bit helps.
If you don't make the mess, you have no chance to 1) model a deeply thought-out apology, fully owning your part, or 2) talk about how the housekeeping can be best done in future while you're still up to your knees in broken bits. Style of conflict resolution seems to be the crux of whether relationships nurture and grow us and are rock-solid, or are not, as is much, much more common. It's not like it's taught anywhere else. The new guardrails and strategies (especially the hunt for micro-windows) you just built will serve you well when your son begins to date.
So beautifully thought through. Thank you for writing it down. So sorry for the cliff.
Super sad that you had this experience. It’s so hard to let them go.
Well done, you, for recognizing what went wrong and fixing it. It does feel like a cliff, falling into the zone of this person you love and have nurtured taking the lessons taught and growing away. It does leave you floundering, but it really means you have done a very good job of raising an independent, strong human. He'll need you now and then for advice and comfort, but it's a different dynamic.
Sure hope you feel better and your son understands you
As someone who lacked parents willing to admit any wrongdoing, let alone apologise for the deep fuckeries they put me through, I can only say I am beyond thrilled for your son that you are his dad. And for his future partner/s or co-parent, as he will likely model similar awesome parenting behaviours! Good on ya for breaking the vicious cycle.
I was a coward and stayed childless (mostly for other reasons like climate change and preferring fur babies over acrual ones) - but fearing I’d screw them up by behaving like my parents was definitely a big part in that decision. Thanks for sharing! You should write a parenting manual for single dads. Seriously.
Every kid deserves a parent like you, but few get one. You’re navigating this landscape better than most, because you care so much. Your love for him bursts from every word. Way to go, Hoarse.
Stay strong, man. It's hard on both sides. When I was a teenager and into my twenties, my mom and I DID NOT have a good relationship. Now that I'm in my thirties, it's gotten better. Some days we are close, some days are tough. But she knows that I love her. For my brother and sister, it didn't take as long as it did me to build any kind of relationship with her. But i'll tell you something, you are way more ahead than mom and I ever could be. You are stepping up now and showing him love and giving him your full attention even if it's in small doses due to limited time. You are a good dad, my friend and he sees that every time you make any effort to be with him. And he's always going to not only remember that, but cherish it always.
Well done. Reminds me of a fight I had with my step daughter. Went toe to toe then I stopped and said something like “why are we fighting?” She and I laughed it off. When her dad died, she told me how much I mean to her- more than her mom- because I stood with her through his illness and death. She knew finally it was all about love.
Beautifully written. You are preparing him well for the real world. Those coming storms in the mountains will be easier for him to ride out because of his upbringing.
Congratulations! You're human! And so is your son!
The roadmap for any solid relationship is outlined in what you wrote. Feelings can be complicated, and as humans, we tend to respond poorly in the heat of the moment. The important thing is the commitment to resolving conflict in ways that support the relationship and its foundation. You both did that, which is refreshing, frankly!
Familiar pattern, beautifully described. With me and mine, there was a cliff. Even after we regrouped and discussed, others involved created more distance (both physical and emotional) than I wanted-- and more, I think, than mine was really comfortable with. It took several years, but circumatances changed. We rebuilt our relationship and it is better in many ways than it was even bofore the cliff. The important things are to keep on living, keep on loving, keep on being available, keep the doors to your life and your heart open, be proud of their progress and of your own, and as you said so well, own and admit your own struggles.
Buckle up! I was very close with my son during his high school and undergrad years but when he moved to CA to attend Berkeley for grad school it was the beginning of the end. At first, we visited back and forth and took vacations to various locales; hiked the Grand Canyon, tried to see baseball games at multiple different stadiums, etc. But eventually he found a wife who is a SoCal native and before long he became less and less available. When we talked on the phone, inevitably his wife would need something that would cause the call end; when I broached the subject of visiting, often he would tell me he was tied up with work or had already planned a trip to SoCal to see his wife's family. And when he did make it back to New Jersey, he would need to split his time between me and his father who lived nearby and his family's desire to spend time in the City. Often, he would be here 4 or 5 days and at best we would have a meal at a restaurant and maybe a half hour to talk. Soon the phone calls became less frequent and finally four years passed before we even saw each other.
Just hope your son doesn't move far away as you will experience an emptiness that is hard to adjust to.