Everyone, meet Obstructo III

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about living with ADHD. It was just a vomitus overshare of the internal, private messiness and baggage and struggle of being neuro-atypical in the way that I am. I hadn’t expected to resonate with much of anyone other than maybe another ADHDer or two.

After I posted it though, a surprising and kinda wonderful thing happened:

People started writing to me to tell me that it had helped them to better understand someone close to them. People wrote to me to tell me they had forwarded it to their ADHD kid asking “Is this you?” and had them write back “Yes!” Others told me it had just helped them better understand their spouse or child or students.

I can’t tell you how gratifying I find that.

It is profoundly touching to think my messy little public journaling helped bridge some of the gap between someone with ADHD and the people who love them but don’t necessarily fully “get them”.

I have never NOT had ADHD but I imagine it must be hard to really fathom as an observer. I mean, a lot of it so fucking illogical. And the thing is, we ADHD people entirely KNOW it is illogical - and we SUFFER for that.

We entirely know that it is illogical to put off paying that parking ticket until it is already late even though that means it will cost more (or cause MUCH bigger problems).

We entirely KNOW that.

And we will 100% do it anyway this time, next time, and every other time because that is just how we are fucking wired.

It isn’t because we prefer for our lives to be messier and more expensive and fraught with endless fires to put out. We can’t help it.

I mean, I’m a big believer in developing skills, strategies and work-arounds and all that but without medication, asking an ADHDer to just work around it is like asking someone carrying a safe to swim across the English Channel. They ain’t ever gonna see Calais. I can tell you that. They ain’t ever reaching France.

Truth be told, they’re probably never even getting off the beach in Dover and it won’t be for a lack of caring. In fact, they will probably agonize and eat themselves alive about not being able to just get in the damn water and START SWIMMING like everyone else.

I imagine that must be maddening to observe.

If it’s any consolation, it beats being that person, believe me…

And that, belatedly, brings me around to the subject of this update:

I was unmedicated for the past week and a half or so. That was very much not intentional but like the only somewhat hypothetical overdue parking ticket above, wasn’t entirely beyond my control either.

In my state at least, ADHD medications like Adderall are available only via a 30-day prescription from a health care professional authorized to prescribe. That could be a doctor or psychiatrist or nurse practitioner but each and every month, someone has to write a script.

And ADHD medication can only be filled again beginning 25 days after the last prescription was filled… So, no joke, people with ADHD **cannot get their ADHD medication** until they are almost out - or, if they happened to have been out of town or it was a holiday or the pharmacy was out of stock, until AFTER they’ve already run out. It’s fun.

For years, I got my monthly prescriptions through a psych in New York City who specialized in ADHD.

Because the law required periodic in-person visits, I had to go to his office every three months for an “appointment”. It would take the better part of an afternoon between hauling my ass into the city, waiting in the waiting room, etc.

Then, he’d call me in; check my blood pressure; and ask me if anything had changed. I’d say “Nope.” and he’d say “Great, same prescriptions and pharmacy?” I’d say “Yes.” and then he’d hand me a bill and I’d leave.

It took ten minutes and cost $200. Every three months, same routine. The guy made $800 a year to see me for under an hour *total*… because that is what the law required.

He had a lucrative racket but eventually shut down his practice and went into emergency medicine. I can’t blame him. Nobody becomes a psychiatrist hoping to do nothing with their life but write refills for people’s overly regulated maintenance meds all day.

I then found a prescriber closer to me in New Jersey. They required a $500+ re-diagnosis and then the same $200 quarterly “appointments” to get prescriptions but seemed generally fine… and at first, they were.

Then they became a bit of a pain in the ass. There was some turnover. My person left. They didn’t tell me. They just cancelled an appointment and didn’t assign a new person (as I ran out of medication) until I called to ask why my doctor wasn’t calling me back. From there, it became one thing after another.

So, this past month, I decided to take a leap and try one of those services I see advertising on Instagram all the time.

In theory, ADHD treatment is exactly the kind of thing that someone SHOULD be able to make easier and cheaper. At minimum, my dumb little quarterly appointments could be easier to schedule and more easily done via telehealth (a change allowed post-COVID). And since there SHOULD be a way to make ADHD treatment more ADHD-friendly, I was willing to suspend disbelief.

Well, the one I chose was awful. It became a clusterfuck immediately and stayed that way as my monthly five-day window came and went.

Then I was out of meds and fighting with a provider while unmedicated and hating every fucking minute I had to spend trying to get the meds that help me not hate every fucking minute of I have to spend doing things like trying to get meds.

See the circular dysfunction there?

We make it as hard as possible for people with ADHD to get the meds they need to help them do things like get their meds.

Genius, isn’t it?

And I can’t speak for others but when you first cycle off ADHD meds, it is worse than having never been on them. One side effect of stimulants like Adderall is potential sleeplessness. And then, when you go off it, the immediate effect is the exact opposite. You are absolutely exhausted. For at least the first few days, you are just dead tired beyond any ability to rest your way out of or self-medicate with caffeine.

It’s fun.

And all the shit that is tedious and daunting and hard that medication made at least somewhat easier, well, it’s back to being tedious and daunting and hard… and you ENTIRELY KNOW IT WILL BE every day until you can hopefully get your meds refilled again.

And that was my week last week.

It sucks much of the joy out of life. It reduces days to an absolute slog where you are split between trying to merely not have things go entirely to shit while you aren’t at full strength while also trying to get prescribed again. You try to just hold it together with minimal damage until you can get back to your regular ADHD-but-treating life which TBH, is no fucking walk in the park either.

So, last week sucked. Not going to lie. It sucked.

And then I called my original doctor yesterday and someone new answered and she was exceedingly helpful and I got my prescriptions refilled last night and I went to bed literally excited to wake up to a day when I was going to get shit done and not just stand on the beach in Dover staring off toward Calais agonizing in guilty self-recriminations over not being able to just get in the water and swim.

And here we are. A whole lot of sentences into another vomitus overshare.

Maybe it will help someone somewhere.

In the meantime, today is a day without dread and I am thankful for it.

Today is a day when writing feels fulfilling and not like an overdue project I am failing at… and I am even more thankful for that.

And now I am going to go get in the car and put on some Christmas music and head off to get my son. We are going away together this weekend and I am thankful for that most of all.

(Note: If you missed the prior post in this series and are interested in it, it can be found here: Everyone, meet Obstructo II )