It seemed your post-trip quiet might have meant there was something big coming. Such a heavy-hearted, beautiful, enlightening post, Mike. I’m both sorry your trip didn’t yield all the golden bottles you expected, and then grateful you take things as you do and share them with people.
Thank you for this. This may be your best piece yet. You have a True gift my friend and it is lovely to watch it grow and flourish.
I just turned 51 and I am aware that I have never been comfortable in my own skin due to childhood SA and neglect that morphed into a lifelong battle with eating disorders. I lived in survival mode for decades. I am working on it so I can live more fully and it is as you say, my Everest. Luckily, I have always been able to connect with the natural world and it is my solace and refuge. Sighting a beautiful bird, an amazing sunrise, the full moon over the trees, the fall colors, all stop me in my tracks. I hope and pray that somehow, your friend, and you, can find many of those moments where you are truly and fully alive and all of the worlds expectations and judgements fall away.
Thanks for sharing this Mike. I have had personal experience with seeing this in someone I loved and it hurt. Your beautiful words helped me to put my own experiences into a more understandable context. I hope the best and easiest journey for your friend and those who love him as he walks forward.
So many words swirl around in my brain and I want to respond to this articulately and in a way that sounds like I have it all together, I have some of it together, but not the words I need here. I can see this story, I can touch it with my hands, and feel the words and emotions glide across my fingers. I can taste it. But I am having such difficulty expressing it.
This story touched me. I've lost so many people in my life the past few years and one constant thing has been my wondering if life was something that person got joy from. Was it just days that went by, marking weeks, years, and then decades, or did they have memory bottles like you so eloquently describe that they could open and be fulfilled from those moments with loved ones or even alone on life's miraculous adventures. Reading this reminded me to seek my own joy, not just to say I have but to balance out the work, the sleep, and the crappy ways of the world sometimes.
In just the past year I've gained more insight into who I was, am, and will hopefully be someday and the journey has been harrowing at times but always fulfilling. I feel sadness for your friend, your father, and anyone who doesn't find in time life's transcendent words, moments, and feelings.
"It is the plumbing of your own humanity so as to let it gush out upon the page. It is the constant revelation of who you are through what you make."
Mike, I've said this before, you have such a way with words. This was just beautiful.
I think this is so timely for me. I came out of what I now see was an awful, abusive relationship this year that ended brutally. The ending was such a stark contrast to the almost trance like way I had been living. Because I wasn't really living. I was just going through life putting one foot in front of the other without really living it.
It's been 10 months and I every day I just stop and really feel my life in the moment...the good, the bad, the awe-inspiring. The break up was a turning point for me. I feel like I was given a second chance to as you say "reveal who I am through what I make." I'm making a better path for myself. I'm living more in the moment and I've found a peace and contentment that I've probably never known.
Thank you for sharing this. It wasn't what you envisioned but it did impact this reader.
Wow. Another one that hit me where I live. It’s not my intention to make this “all about me!”, lol, but I am having a similar experience at the moment. A good friend who has been in my life for more than half of it does not have a terminal disease - although, for her sake, I kinda wish it was. She is losing her ability to communicate - speak, read, write, or understand spoken language. Within a year, it is likely she will have little to none of that ability left. It will be hell. She tasked me a few years ago with being her power of attorney to help her get healthcare and make sure her finances were in good shape. The latter is fairly simple, but the former has been truly daunting over the last year.
Sadly, her disability is largely a function of anxiety based choices (especially inaction). She did not drink to numb her fears, but lived in an environment with toxic mold for 14 years in order to cope with her anxiety about moving. She only left once her communication impairment got to the point she needed to make a change.
So what does my situation with my friend have to do with Mike? The realization that he came to about his friend is exactly what I have been feeling. I just didn’t know what it was until I read what he so eloquently expressed. Sometimes realizing reality sucks. But, at the same time, I am very grateful to him for, once again, sending a giant “Ping!” through the ether that I needed to receive. Onward.
"Spending a lifespan uncomfortable with yourself, unable to inhabit your own skin, avoidant of being fully present, that is a tragedy."
You were, I assume, fully present with your friend and it hurt and it was a different kind of hurt than you had anticipated. I am sorry for both you and him, for the lost opportunity to bottle up some golden memories.
I found your message in my inbox in the wee hours with my family still fast asleep and I set out to respond but the kids started stirring and so I put down my phone. In quiet moments throughout the day I found myself pondering your writing.
Once again, you put into words a universal human experience with so much clarity and your sentence above is now firmly planted in my mind. I am not always comfortable in my skin and I admire when someone (mostly) is. What I am though is being very aware of addictive behavior and I try to avoid it. Not numbing myself means sometimes sitting with my uncomfortableness, examining it, taking pointers, and making conscious decisions about where to direct my energy.
When you hadn't posted, I knew there was something about that trip that was the source of your silence. It is heartbreaking when you realize it is too late to truly help. Hang in there, Hoarse. Your insight makes each of us reflect on similar instances.
What you write is like a big mirror. You are examining your own reflection, but when we read your words, we can't help but see our own. Not always pretty, but necessary.
I have watched, and hated my older sister changing like a chameleon to be who she thought those around her should be. I endeavored from a very young age (I asked my Mom if we could trade her for a brother at age 7) to not be like her, to embrace being my own self. I don’t know why I had that ability to view things from 10k feet so young. It made my teen years very difficult. Not only be a of the reputation of said sister muddying my path, but because I was a bit odd. I am at a happy place with myself, and have been for many years, I am lucky. Thank you for sharing your writing. You have a way with words, and expression that I envy, and admire.
Very well written deep dive. Thanks for your honesty and ability to dissect your thoughts and feelings!
It has made me sit in silence for about 10 mins, since I know and live an avoidant life myself (not in the same way as your friend, but probably more extreme in many ways). I even have the label "avoidant/evasive personality disorder", stemming from social anxiety/depression that started in the early teenage years.
I know it's a "shadow life" and wish for way more, but it's a tough situation to get out of once you've let it trap you there mentally (and socially) for many years.
I am hacking away at the granite with a therapist, hoping that small chunks will fall off... somehow if we keep at it, or perhaps a dam will burst (very much wishful thinking). Even a small improvement would be welcome at this point.
Well Michael, the first step is recognising it for what it is, and the most important step is trying to improve things, even incrementally if needs be. I hope you get there, because it is worth it!
It seemed your post-trip quiet might have meant there was something big coming. Such a heavy-hearted, beautiful, enlightening post, Mike. I’m both sorry your trip didn’t yield all the golden bottles you expected, and then grateful you take things as you do and share them with people.
Thank you for this. This may be your best piece yet. You have a True gift my friend and it is lovely to watch it grow and flourish.
I just turned 51 and I am aware that I have never been comfortable in my own skin due to childhood SA and neglect that morphed into a lifelong battle with eating disorders. I lived in survival mode for decades. I am working on it so I can live more fully and it is as you say, my Everest. Luckily, I have always been able to connect with the natural world and it is my solace and refuge. Sighting a beautiful bird, an amazing sunrise, the full moon over the trees, the fall colors, all stop me in my tracks. I hope and pray that somehow, your friend, and you, can find many of those moments where you are truly and fully alive and all of the worlds expectations and judgements fall away.
Thanks for sharing this Mike. I have had personal experience with seeing this in someone I loved and it hurt. Your beautiful words helped me to put my own experiences into a more understandable context. I hope the best and easiest journey for your friend and those who love him as he walks forward.
So many words swirl around in my brain and I want to respond to this articulately and in a way that sounds like I have it all together, I have some of it together, but not the words I need here. I can see this story, I can touch it with my hands, and feel the words and emotions glide across my fingers. I can taste it. But I am having such difficulty expressing it.
This story touched me. I've lost so many people in my life the past few years and one constant thing has been my wondering if life was something that person got joy from. Was it just days that went by, marking weeks, years, and then decades, or did they have memory bottles like you so eloquently describe that they could open and be fulfilled from those moments with loved ones or even alone on life's miraculous adventures. Reading this reminded me to seek my own joy, not just to say I have but to balance out the work, the sleep, and the crappy ways of the world sometimes.
In just the past year I've gained more insight into who I was, am, and will hopefully be someday and the journey has been harrowing at times but always fulfilling. I feel sadness for your friend, your father, and anyone who doesn't find in time life's transcendent words, moments, and feelings.
This is absolutely beautiful. You expressed this so well, thank you 🙏
Thoughtfully articulated, your feelings were felt. For some living is the hardest thing they do. You also called yourself a writer... 🌹🌹🌹
"It is the plumbing of your own humanity so as to let it gush out upon the page. It is the constant revelation of who you are through what you make."
Mike, I've said this before, you have such a way with words. This was just beautiful.
I think this is so timely for me. I came out of what I now see was an awful, abusive relationship this year that ended brutally. The ending was such a stark contrast to the almost trance like way I had been living. Because I wasn't really living. I was just going through life putting one foot in front of the other without really living it.
It's been 10 months and I every day I just stop and really feel my life in the moment...the good, the bad, the awe-inspiring. The break up was a turning point for me. I feel like I was given a second chance to as you say "reveal who I am through what I make." I'm making a better path for myself. I'm living more in the moment and I've found a peace and contentment that I've probably never known.
Thank you for sharing this. It wasn't what you envisioned but it did impact this reader.
Wow. I’m sorry to hear you went through that but glad to hear it has left better things in its wake.
Wow. Another one that hit me where I live. It’s not my intention to make this “all about me!”, lol, but I am having a similar experience at the moment. A good friend who has been in my life for more than half of it does not have a terminal disease - although, for her sake, I kinda wish it was. She is losing her ability to communicate - speak, read, write, or understand spoken language. Within a year, it is likely she will have little to none of that ability left. It will be hell. She tasked me a few years ago with being her power of attorney to help her get healthcare and make sure her finances were in good shape. The latter is fairly simple, but the former has been truly daunting over the last year.
Sadly, her disability is largely a function of anxiety based choices (especially inaction). She did not drink to numb her fears, but lived in an environment with toxic mold for 14 years in order to cope with her anxiety about moving. She only left once her communication impairment got to the point she needed to make a change.
So what does my situation with my friend have to do with Mike? The realization that he came to about his friend is exactly what I have been feeling. I just didn’t know what it was until I read what he so eloquently expressed. Sometimes realizing reality sucks. But, at the same time, I am very grateful to him for, once again, sending a giant “Ping!” through the ether that I needed to receive. Onward.
"Spending a lifespan uncomfortable with yourself, unable to inhabit your own skin, avoidant of being fully present, that is a tragedy."
You were, I assume, fully present with your friend and it hurt and it was a different kind of hurt than you had anticipated. I am sorry for both you and him, for the lost opportunity to bottle up some golden memories.
I found your message in my inbox in the wee hours with my family still fast asleep and I set out to respond but the kids started stirring and so I put down my phone. In quiet moments throughout the day I found myself pondering your writing.
Once again, you put into words a universal human experience with so much clarity and your sentence above is now firmly planted in my mind. I am not always comfortable in my skin and I admire when someone (mostly) is. What I am though is being very aware of addictive behavior and I try to avoid it. Not numbing myself means sometimes sitting with my uncomfortableness, examining it, taking pointers, and making conscious decisions about where to direct my energy.
When you hadn't posted, I knew there was something about that trip that was the source of your silence. It is heartbreaking when you realize it is too late to truly help. Hang in there, Hoarse. Your insight makes each of us reflect on similar instances.
What you write is like a big mirror. You are examining your own reflection, but when we read your words, we can't help but see our own. Not always pretty, but necessary.
"It is the constant revelation of who you are through what you make." - oh man that hits!
When you publish - as I hope you will - a book based on these essays, Lifetime would be a grand title.
I have watched, and hated my older sister changing like a chameleon to be who she thought those around her should be. I endeavored from a very young age (I asked my Mom if we could trade her for a brother at age 7) to not be like her, to embrace being my own self. I don’t know why I had that ability to view things from 10k feet so young. It made my teen years very difficult. Not only be a of the reputation of said sister muddying my path, but because I was a bit odd. I am at a happy place with myself, and have been for many years, I am lucky. Thank you for sharing your writing. You have a way with words, and expression that I envy, and admire.
Very well written deep dive. Thanks for your honesty and ability to dissect your thoughts and feelings!
It has made me sit in silence for about 10 mins, since I know and live an avoidant life myself (not in the same way as your friend, but probably more extreme in many ways). I even have the label "avoidant/evasive personality disorder", stemming from social anxiety/depression that started in the early teenage years.
I know it's a "shadow life" and wish for way more, but it's a tough situation to get out of once you've let it trap you there mentally (and socially) for many years.
I am hacking away at the granite with a therapist, hoping that small chunks will fall off... somehow if we keep at it, or perhaps a dam will burst (very much wishful thinking). Even a small improvement would be welcome at this point.
Well Michael, the first step is recognising it for what it is, and the most important step is trying to improve things, even incrementally if needs be. I hope you get there, because it is worth it!
You’re amazing. Thank you
Radically honest and beautifully written. Thank you